Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Bad poetry, with all my love.

I watch you, tenderly, from behind the veils we use to cover our steps. I watch you, darling, you, who hide so often behind this overwhelming silence that destroys my mute certainties, my absurd ideas. Your slender fingers, your eyes, always covered by glasses that I ignore, but that, I suppose, still exist, yet always so hidden, always so much left to be guessed. And I invite you and accept you and wait for you, immobile, holding my breath, hopeful and wishing for the slightest movement, however involuntary, that will call me in your direction. But it has been so many years - and we, here, in this stupid dynamics that anchor us to personas that don't even exist anymore, but that keep us alive, which keep whatever we have alive. And I read you and see you and smell you and understand you via third parties, because that is how we are able to live, you there, sending telepathic signs, expecting me to save you and I, here, waiting for your songs, your desires, sending you lifebuoys, boats, butterflies so that you don't drown, so that you breathe, so that you whisper your reminiscences in my ear, like a ghost, restless soul, love.

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I know you. You are too short. You have bad skin. You couldn't talk to them very well. Words didn't seem to work. They lied when they came out of your mouth. You tried so hard to understand them. You wanted to be part of what was happening. You saw them having fun, and it seemed like such a mystery--almost magic. It made you think that there was something wrong with you. You'd look in the mirror trying to find it. You thought that you were ugly and that everyone was looking at you. So you learned to be invisible, to look down, to avoid conversation. The hours, days, weekends.

Ahh, the weekend nights alone. Where were you? In the basement? In the attic? In your room? Working some job, just to have something to do, just to have some place to put yourself, just to have a way to get away from THEM. A chance to get away from the ones that made you feel so strange and ill-at-ease inside yourself.

Do you ever get invited to one of their parties? You sat and wondered if you would go or not. For hours you imagined the scenarios that might transpire. They would laugh at you. If you would know what to do. If you would have the right things on. If they would notice that you came from a different planet. Did you get all brave in your thoughts? Like you were going to be able to go in there and deal with it, and have a great time. Did you think that you might be "the life of the party?" That all these people were going to talk to you and you would find out that were wrong. That you had a lot of friends and you weren't so strange after all. Did you end up going? Did they mess with you? Did they single you out? Did you find out that you were invited, because they thought you were so weird?

Yeah, I think I know you.

You spent a lot of time full of hate. A hate that was as pure as sunshine. A hate that saw for miles. A hate that kept you up at night. A hate that filled your every waking moment. A hate that carried you for a long time. Yes, I think I know you. You couldn't figure out what they saw in the way they lived. Home was not home! Your room was home. A corner was home. The place THEY weren't, that was home.

I know you. You're sensitive, and you hide it because you fear getting stepped on one more time. It seems that when you show a part of yourself that is the least bit vulnerable someone takes advantage of you. One of them steps on you. They mistake kindness for weakness, but you know the difference. You've been the brunt of their weakness for years and strength is something you know a bit about because you had to be strong to keep yourself alive.

You know yourself very well now and you don't trust people, you know them too well. You try to find that special person, someone you can be with, someone you can touch, someone you can talk to, someone you won't feel so strange around. And you found that they don't really exist. You feel closer to people on movie screens.

Yeah, I think I know you.

You spend a lot of time day dreaming and people have made comment to that affect telling you that you are self involved and self centered. But they don't know, do they. About the long night shifts alone. About the years of keeping yourself company. All the nights you wrapped your arms around yourself so you could imagine someone holding you. The hours of indecision. Self doubt. The intense depression. The blinding hate. The rage that made you stagger. The devastation of rejection.

Well , maybe they do know. But if they do they sure do a good job of hiding it. It astounds you how they can be so smooth. How they seem to pass through life, as if life itself was some divine gift. And it infuriates you to watch yourself with your apparent skill in finding every way possible to screw it up.

For you, life is a long trip. Terrifying and wonderful. Birds sing to you at night. The rain and the sun, the changing seasons are true friends. Solitude is a hard-one ally--faithful and patient.

Yeah, I think I know you.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

My son!

Sometimes

I think that I can't even reach your ghost anymore. I wonder where you went. Or why I feel so barren.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

Friday, October 15, 2010

...

There are days when I feel like dying.

Bad movies

Well, lately I have been cursed with a tidal wave of bad movies. Therefore, I will post them here, so that you can avoid them.






The Hole was not THAT bad. It was alright, I'll admit.



Abandoned and Deadline were alright, too. However, you can see a very crazy Brittany Murphy. You can JUST TELL that something is wrong, especially in regards to her hair. I have never seen someone with such bad hair. I mean, after all, it's a movie. People normally blow dry straight or something. I guess both were filmed around the same time, because it's the same terrible hair. Visible roots, uncombable locks, the works. Pff.



After Life was alright, I mean, if you discount the fact that Christina Ricci is in it.





Solomon KaneJonah HexPredators and L'immortel  were alright, considering that they are basically adventure movies.

Ta-da.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Lisbon, revisited


No soul more loving or tender than mine has ever existed, no soul so full of kindness, of pity, of all the things of tenderness and of love. Yet, no soul is so lonely as mine - not lonely, be it noted, from exterior, but from interior circumstances. I mean this: together with my great tenderness and kindness an element of an entirely opposite kind entered into my character, an element of sadness, of self-centredness, of selfishness therefore, whose effect is two-fold: to warp and hinder the development and full 'internal' play of those other qualities, and to hinder, by affecting the will depressingly, their ful 'external' play, their manifestation. I shall analyse this, one day I shall examine better, discriminate, the elements of my character, for my curiosity of all things, linked to my curiosity for myself and for my own character, leads to one attempt to understand my personality.



~~ Fernando Pessoa 

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Travelers' Log, Day 3

April 24th, 2010

Still don't feel like translating. So, pictures and videos in Portuguese. This post is just a copy of what I posted in my other blog. It's better to post there, because I don't have to translate anything and there I am posting for the people who are interested in what I did, like my sister and some friends. Here it is just a formality, so skip the whole thing. Be my guest.

Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Dawson Street.

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin
Georgian House. 

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin
James Joyce.

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin
Georgian Houses. 

Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin
Groar!


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

 Micro burger

26th Birthday
Sister's 26th birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday

26th Birthday
Pavlova & banoffee.

26th Birthday

Travelers' Log, Day 2

April 23rd 2010

(I still don't feel like translating my journal. Or the videos. So, watch them if you want to, don't watch them if you don't feel like it. Do your thing...)



P1000241
P1000242

Sister in Dublin
Grafton St. 

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin


Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin

Sister in Dublin





Bon Jovi!